{"id":2482,"date":"2018-01-10T01:59:11","date_gmt":"2018-01-10T01:59:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/v2.picaluna.com\/?p=2482"},"modified":"2024-03-22T19:48:19","modified_gmt":"2024-03-22T08:48:19","slug":"just-say-his-name-a-bereaved-mothers-plea","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.picaluna.com\/just-say-his-name-a-bereaved-mothers-plea\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cJust say his name\u201d \u2013 A bereaved mother\u2019s plea"},"content":{"rendered":"

Megan Baker shares her story of her son, Kai, and how simply using his name is so important. Kai was stillborn and Megan\u2019s journey as a bereaved mother has led her to use her experiences to help others in a similar situation.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Family-led creative funerals are vital <\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Mother and baby photography keeps precious memories alive <\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Acknowledging motherhood essential for healing<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
Megan and Kai (Photo: Jerusha Sutton Photography)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Megan Baker is a proud mum like any other.<\/strong> The shelf in her lounge room has treasured photos of her son, Kai, moments after he was born. Cradled in her arms, he appears to be sleeping peacefully. Outside in the bushland setting of her home on the edge of Sydney, a dog runs around the garden, a place full of adventure ready for a young child to explore.<\/span><\/p>\n

But these photos tell a different story on second look. With them is a teddy bear, carefully weighted to match Kai\u2019s birth weight. And alongside that, a small white box containing his ashes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Almost two years on, talking about losing her baby has become easier, but still immensely painful.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like living in a nightmare. I even went through labour, and now I\u2019m on the other side, but there\u2019s no baby. That\u2019s not the order of things. You go through pregnancy and then you end up holding a baby and raising a child. There were even physical symptoms, so my arms ached, my heart ached, so it was complete loss, it was being completely lost.\u201d Megan\u2019s pregnancy was a fairly typical one. Sometimes challenging, often joyful. When the time came to give birth, she went into hospital with a mixture of excitement and anticipation.<\/span><\/p>\n

But she woke from her C-section to the news every parent dreads. Her son\u2019s heart had stopped during labour, and he was stillborn.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kai had caught an infection when Megan\u2019s waters broke; despite the best efforts of medical staff, it proved too much for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Suddenly everything changed. A lifetime of hopes and dreams were now just a few precious moments together as a family. Those moments were caught on camera by a professional photographer. Brought in by an understanding midwife who knew the future value of such pictures, they\u2019ve since helped to ground Megan\u2019s son in reality.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got some beautiful photos of me and Kai, and just Kai, and my partner, and all of us together. You can\u2019t prepare for seeing your son lifeless. A lot of them are beautiful but some of the photos show the pain, show us crying, and you don\u2019t usually see that in photos. But they are just precious.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Just_Say_His_name_A_bereaved_mother_plea\"<\/a><\/p>\n

A family album with a stillborn baby can undoubtedly be confronting. But for bereaved parents, it captures their baby\u2019s presence and ensures their place in the world, however brief. Picaluna Funeral Planner and Celebrant Elizabeth Trevan says there are other ways too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThese are final, precious moments with their baby. Some people take footprints, obviously photographs, other mementos, people can get hand casts and foot casts of babies, there are lots of recording that baby\u2019s presence so even though they\u2019re only fleetingly with the family, they can hold on to tangible things.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And when it comes to saying goodbye, acknowledging the impact a baby has had on a family is essential. Elizabeth has worked with several families following their time of loss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Just_Say_His_name\"
Picaluna Celebrant Elizabeth Trevan<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cThat baby\u2019s history within that family, although only a few weeks, sometimes 40 weeks or less, that 40 weeks could have been an incredibly journey, even just to get to the point of pregnancy. So that baby is an embodiment of that journey in many ways. And then also on top of that, are the dreams, the hopes, the wishes that the family had for that baby as they grew and as they got older. And those are really important to acknowledge as well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Gilbert and Spencer Missio were twins, stillborn at 27 weeks. For their parents Jess and Dave, creating a fitting farewell was a vital part of the grieving, and ultimately the healing, process. They helped to organise a family funeral in a garden setting, with their twin boys sharing a coffin; David says it was a crucial decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Just_Say_His_name_3\"
The Missio twins<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey were twins who had died together and that\u2019s what we really wanted. They\u2019d been together forever and we wanted them to stay together. We had the most beautiful hand woven coffin for them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

They turned to Picaluna<\/u><\/a> to help them create a bespoke ceremony; a network of professional planners creating authentic meaningful, family-led farewells. Location is often key, as well as giving families the space and time to make their own, often creative, choices. Having that input made an impossible time easier to bear.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\"Just_Say_His_name\"
Dave Missio<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cWe were surprised and almost shocked I guess by what we were able to do. We were so convinced there was only one way, a 45 minute set service in a chapel, and that\u2019s just not true. There\u2019s so much more you can do. We had such a huge hand in it and that was such a healing part as well. We were able to include our own style memorial things in the ceremony that we could remember the boys by. We had a candle ceremony and it was just glorious. People came and lit a candle for the boys right around their coffin, all these little candles and these burning lights for our boys. It was just beautiful.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Megan Baker is now a mum on a mission. She\u2019s working to honour her son Kai by helping to support other parents facing the same situation. And she\u2019s become part of the Picaluna family to help plan funerals for other families, using her experiences to help families find a better way to say goodbye.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a Facebook group which is Earth Mamas of Angel babies<\/u><\/a> and through that I\u2019m creating a community and creating a space where bereaved mothers can come together and share their experiences and feel understood. Also I work with other women that aren\u2019t bereaved mothers, so it\u2019s helping them understand as well the journey of grief. There is something about connecting with someone who has been through that same experience and so I\u2019ve created a letter. It\u2019s really brief, easy to digest, and some things to think of doing, because you don\u2019t know. You haven\u2019t been there, unless you know somebody else that\u2019s been there, you don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And Megan\u2019s advice to those who want to help but don\u2019t know how? It\u2019s a simple as saying a name.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI had one person say to me as one door closes, another one opens. And it\u2019s like, I didn\u2019t just lose my job. My son died. And I know there\u2019s not ill intent behind it. It\u2019s just people are uncomfortable and we don\u2019t talk about it. But I live with this every day. If you can just be uncomfortable around me for a short while and hear about my baby, just say his name \u2013 that is so precious. And yeah, maybe we\u2019ll cry, but we want to talk about our babies like any mother. I\u2019m proud of him and want to share him with the world, and I want to have that opportunity to honour my motherhood.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For more information<\/span><\/h2>\n

Picaluna Funerals<\/u><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Megan\u2019s Group \u2013 Earth Mamas of Angel Babies<\/u><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Jerusha Sutton Photography<\/u><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

For support coping with miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death, call SANDS on 1300 072 637 or visit the www.sands.org.au.<\/u><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
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Megan Baker shares her story of her son, Kai, and how simply using his name is so important. 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